Admittedly, I’ve been on a bit of a blog hiatus, my apologies for neglecting this passion project of mine, but I promise I am going to get better! For now, here is a recap of the last few months and what’s been going on:

October was a great month in regards to weight loss, I lost 15 which brought my total to 80. It was also a month full of change, sadness, and fun. After two wonderful years full of gaining invaluable experience and wonderful coworkers that truly became like family, I made the decision to leave my former company. Since I began my Master’s program for School Counseling and in conjunction with this health journey and other factors, I just needed something that was a little more flexible especially once the internship and practicum portion kicks into effect. Fortunately, my best friend, who also happens to be an amazingly talented hairstylist, opened her own salon and agreed to let me apprentice with her as well as manage her social media and all the other things that need doing in a salon (I was supposed by how much there was that needed to be done, as well as how hard these girls work, they are amazing on top of being extremely talented). Anyways, leaving what you know and love to tackle something new is always scary, but not having the commute and being in such an incredibly flexible environment has been incredible, not to mention I’m learning something new every day, and that also brings me great joy. However, I do miss all my fabulous former coworkers and I could never thank them enough for all the knowledge, support, and love provided to me during my time at CINC. October also brought on the fun of our annual Halloween party, I have to say I might have been the Golden Ticket last year, I felt like more of a prize at this year’s bash as Morticia, considering the 80 pound difference from the year before.

November was also exciting as I finally made it to the Phil to see my other bestie for a short weekend trip. This was a big, huge moment for me, and one of the non scale victories I have treasured more than many of the others, because I finally have my love of travel back. Being so heavy, I didn’t want to go anywhere new, out of fear that I would enter a city only to be cast out by the citizens for my size (look I said it was a fear, I didn’t say it was rational), I also feared compact airline travel…I mean just the thought of not being able to fit in my seat, having to ask the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender, or dealing with a seat neighbor seething at the inconvenience of my size encroaching on their limited, expensive space was enough to keep me safely grounded and only frequenting places I felt comfortable. However, when the opportunity presented itself to make the trip up to the Phil with a fellow friend to visit our mutual bestie, I knew this was my chance to face my fears and put my 85 pound loss to the ultimate test. The results?

I fit comfortably in my seat, I even needed to tighten the seatbelt. I got to see my best friend and the city that I begrudgingly have to admit I low key loved (begrudgingly, because it is so far away and therefore so is said best friend which in turn causes bitterness towards far away city), and I got to rock the Rocky stair climb and fist pump combination as the ultimate symbol reaching several of my goals throughout this health journey.

Now that my love of travel is renewed, and my irrational fears mostly relieved, I can’t wait for my next trip, even though I’m not sure to where just yet.

So that brings us to December, and the lucky number 7. It has been 7 months since I was rolled into an operating room and a large portion of my stomach was removed. 7 months of hard work, falling off and getting back on the wagon, learning about and focusing my efforts on improving my nutritional and exercise habits, 7 months of scale and non scale victories that has made it all worth it. Also, at the 7 month marker, I am only 7 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds. 100 freaking pounds… it’s hard to even believe that just 7 months ago I was carrying around that much excess weight on a daily basis.

People always ask if I feel better…and after losing 93 pounds, how could I not physically feel better? And, physically, I undeniably do feel better. I can walk miles around a city, climb stairs without feeling like I’m going to pass out, and when I’m not dragging Gus’s ever sniffing snout around I have gotten my mile time down from 28(where I was in June) to 17 minutes.

There’s more to weight loss than meets the eye though, and that is the difficult part of this process that people don’t talk much about. Losing large amounts of weight does make you feel better like I said, but it can also make you feel oddly bad about yourself. I mean I’ve lost a skinny human’s worth of weight, and yet the number on the scale and the reality of the reflection in the mirror don’t always match. Don’t get me wrong I’m thrilled with the number on the scale, but what I often struggle with is the amount of physical progress I see. I measure, I take pictures, and I buy new clothes, but I don’t feel like the person I thought I would at this point, and I can’t deny that mathematically there is clear progress, but at this point in the game I wanted to feel normal, and instead, I still feel like the fat girl and that is an identity that may prove more difficult to shed than the rest of my excess weight.

Now don’t let my real talk make you doubt my resolve, I have no intention of quitting. At almost 100 pounds, I know that normalcy I’ve always craved is going to be better than any cheat meal or skipped workout, and so I will not quit, but I also know that this journey is not just physical. On a daily basis, I mostly have the self-control not to indulge in bad foods and exercise is becoming less of a burden, but starting with the girl in the mirror and asking her to change her neurotic ways isn’t easy. I posted this picture on Thanksgiving:

I said that I was grateful for saying goodbye to the ghost of my holiday’s past, and I didn’t lie, but should have specified that I have said goodbye to my physical ghost, as for the mental and emotional ghosts? Well, those plus size poltergeists are still unfortunately hanging around… but I am working on exorcising them away one step at a time.

There may still be lingering demons, I know that after 7 months of being on this journey, that the best is yet to come. The next 7 months will inevitably have its own unique challenges, but being only 7 pounds away from 100, I also know it will have plenty of successes, and I will try to learn from both while continuing to set goals and strive for more. Here’s to going the distance on the next 7 to reach that blessed place of normalcy that I have dreamed of since my days as the chunky kid who learned long division by dividing up weight watchers points throughout the week…

7 is apparently the lucky number for me, so I will strive to hit my total weight loss goals within the next 7 months, and I know I will need all of your continued support for this next 7 just as much as I have for the previous months. I couldn’t do it without you all, and I promise to do a better job of updating this thing more frequently and with my original intention of mixing more pretty while still dishing the heavy occasionally (because so far it’s been more heavy then pretty, but I guess you could say that’s unintentionally symbolic of my journey overall). Irregardless, look for more posts soon and with a greater variety of content, but most importantly thank you all so much for being so amazing and keeping up with my journey and providing so much love and support along the way!

Love you all so much!

Xoxo,

Ashley