I’m off the deep end…It’s beautiful when Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga sing it…it’s not so beautiful when it’s happening in real life. I honestly feel like I’m losing it. Trust me, I know I’m not the only one, but truth be told the crazy set in long before the corona did. The chaos of the world has simply exasperated an existing issue. For quite some time, admittedly a year and a half now I’ve been in a bit of a free fall ala Pocahontas jumping off a cliff….except not quite as gracefully.

After my surgery, I was thriving. I mean a year and a half of setting and reaching goals. Your girl couldn’t stop and wouldn’t stop, or so I thought…

About a year and a half ago, I did stop. I stopped listening to God, in fact, I directly disobeyed him in many ways. I went through two heartbreaks and avoided things that were good for me as if they were the plague rather than the actual culprit which was my destructive behavior and negative thought patterns. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing drugs or going on benders, but I was doing my equivalent. I was pursuing relationships and food that were bad for me. Then digging myself into an even deeper hole by mourning the loss of one by coping with the other, and berating myself for both along the way.

Here’s the thing, in my opinion, we are what we think. Our cognitions about ourselves often determine our actions and allowances for things in our lives. My thoughts about myself were negative and therefore negative things and habits followed suit in my life. Simply because I hadn’t killed these behaviors only quieted them. This is the difference between dead and dormant. With the exception of Jesus and the select few He raised, dead things are good and gone, but dormant things may rise again.

Twenty pounds later, I’ve learned a lot about the reasons I believed these bad things have risen like the walking dead again for me. Reasons I intend to share with you all in due time, but nonetheless I’m here today to finally be honest. I promised you all honesty and in lieu of not lying to you all in my shame of not being successful over the past year and a half, I simply omitted. I discussed, tap-danced, or made proclamations of getting back on a wagon that I’d fallen so far from it was no longer even insight.

However, with plenty of time on my hands to assess and address where it has all gone wrong throughout this quarantine, I am happy to report that I’m going to work on it.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t let a slip make me fall totally back to who I was before this journey. In visiting with my oldest friend last night she revealed the greatest truth, before this, I was sad. Maybe you didn’t know, maybe you did, but it’s true. I was, and I have no intention of being that person again.

Furthermore, this past year and half hasn’t been all bad. In many ways, it has been very good. I finally started to enjoy some of the fruits of my labor. Now I’ve just got to figure out how to enjoy the fruits without all the other added carbs, sugar, and weight regain anxiety…

You see in this phase of the journey, where you’ve had an incredible transformation and feel like a new person but aren’t at your goal, for me, is the trickiest point. Everything feels different, but the goal is still the same. You’ve come so far but the rewards are also distractions. I am not sure how to enjoy what I’ve worked so hard for without losing sight of the fact that there is still work to be done. There’s got to be a solution, but one I haven’t yet cracked. You can bet I will be working on it though, and as I try to figure it out I will keep you all posted along the way.

In regards to weight loss journeys, this feels a bit like no man’s land. Everyone writes about getting started and once they’ve gotten there, but this emotional process in between lacks serious guidance. So I will try and blaze that trail honestly, earnestly, and humorously.

So I’m just kidding, I’m not off the deep end, although I’m not far. I’m just going to redirect before we reach the point of no return. Here’s to figuring out how to lose the last fifty and shake off the re-emergence of some bad thoughts and feelings about myself. Maybe even try and slay some of those big little lies I tell myself for good. Fortunately, in addition, to mean thoughts about oneself and detrimental behaviors, hope is also something that doesn’t die but is simply dormant, waiting to be reactivated and reengaged. My hope is that I am still able to do what I set out to do 3 years ago next month. Things are crazy right now and I’m near but not off the deep end, and fortunately, I’m a good swimmer. It just took me a second to remember how to kick my way back to the surface. I can see the light though, so I’m taking a deep breath and collecting my thoughts and redirecting my actions, and I’m bringing you all with me. My hope is that we can all not only work on killing this virus in our society but also finally murder rather than muffle those beliefs about ourselves not productive to the goals and dreams we all want to accomplish.

Love you all so much. Do things that make you happy and keep you healthy my friends.

Xoxo,

Ashley